eternity in ten minutes

My ten minutes begin now. a day’s entry - actually look forward to this one everyday .I dont know why it seems easier than doing the journal i used to do in bed…. So here goes… the blackguard of ill fate seems to be hitting me hard this week. I have morbid thoughts all the way. Not that I am sad really  - maybe just less than thrilled of the life I live. Nothing like dissatisfaction to bring out the flaws of the life you are in and the desire of the life you want to be in… ha ha ha. Same scenario. except more desperate. Started thinking about this when I rode a jeepney today (another first) this promotion is killing me :(  …

What happens when you hit true enlightenment and understanding that you actually see the futility of life as we live it now. I mean know the certainty of the emptiness and the triviality of all pursuits whether it be carnal or divine in nature. Where do you go out and seek your muse then. If you know tell me coz I have reached that point in time that I actually think that there was a very good reason why FREEWILL was invented. The world would be a such a bore with out  it - everything in the tepid existence of one beautiful color - beautiful but just the same monotonous stark naked color of the truth.  That is the religious me saying it. The Agnostic in me says - there was a reason why God was invented by man. Else this existence is but a futile journey to the an end that is inevitable and ugly.

As I still have my values and desires and beliefs. LIfe isnt that dead for me. I dont see the futility as an atheists do. I see the endless journey though and I just hope that God after all has a plan for me and that there is a reason why my prayers may not be answered right here and right now. And I am just to trust that somehow, this delay or decline is for  a reason and probably hurts Him more that I do……….. I do not believe in a vengeful God nor a God that will not let you sort out the world as seen fit for the greater glory of yourself and Him. ( See I placed myself first before God - I really believe that He would see to mine first than any song and dance moves in His Glory) As long as I love Him more than I love myself, As long as I see Him as that one goal in my life that will never change. Life is good. In the meantime..  in the famous words of one of His saints .. Therese I think - we dont need another Saint .. what we need are more workers to scrub the dirty floor… same words aplies to me.. I need not be a saint.. there is a queue to straighten out, a life to straighten out…..

And if introspection works for me and strengthen me in life.. then all is well……How is this for a jeepney ride mind exercise.  There is one other thought though that still bothers me (today)…….. I saw a reflection of a man in tears and I thought … he had problems…. only to realize that it was me in a scene when my grandmother passed on…. As I wipe the tears from my face in that dream nightmare state.. I hear a voice from within.. who is it that cries now? - somehow that thought was most disturbingly sad thought today………. I miss mama…. ten minutes up:(