stars

I felt so crappy this morning.Not my own doing but just the call of circumstance I guess. I let my emotions run this time. I have to. I need to> and while this emotions run high…….. where did it start?.. I was born wasnt I? where will it end? I dont know.. but sanity says I should stop…slow down at least… we’ll see…
                   

I told a friend once that stars are there to make us look up. And my friend is here today!!!

                   
I had this interest with stars. I used to drag us to Laguna or Antipolo and Tagaytay  to stargaze.Stars  are bright and enticing far away from the city lights. I remember particularly well Tagaytay when we drove there for hours, annd just grab  mushroom burgers and stayed out all night making passionate nothings under the gaze of the stars.  We were short on rules then and long on desires that we parked on an empty lot of who knows who..not caring about anything except ourselves and the stars. We could not have enough then and it was beautiful. That was a long long time ago when we were still together. Blissfully together. That was the time when time away even just moments were stretches of eternity. Long ago… we are friends now .. good friends.. lovers.. maybe..

                       
My friend was here anyways…visiting.. probably sensing that there is a brewing storm in my life or just being around to pick up the pieces of the aftermath of a storm. Salvaging me from most like me. I’ve had many of these visits after our long si years together. Usually when Im at my low. These visits were the little but persistent comforts I care not to admit actually conforming me. And this is one of them. Its the last day. Been here for a few days now and time is kinda running out for us. Support given.. support granted.. support made.. support was there.

                  
This visit had been a lot of fun for me. We stayed out all night the other day and sneaked in a bit of time alone for us.. one at the back of a building stairs on the coffee shop where I now hang out. And an extended dawn session where we slept peacefully. I remember that night particularly as I was in bed sleeping within the warmth and embrace and protection my friend keeps on giving me. I asked.. can you ask our mother within for a way out for me? what does she say this time? (this was a personal joke of ours that we have the same ancient mother that goes a long long way back who was chinese. ) She says Hi!…. I couldnt stop laughing.. we remembered old tiimes when we used to discuss how thing go about when we didnt have TV and we had to entertain ourselves on lots of small talk and what if.. and lots of sharing… This mother of ours was an ancient one…an inspiration that in the olden days life was a lot more difficult and she survived to bear us one hundred two hundred.. we thought 3000 years back. We felt safe in that thought that we had a bond. One that cant be dissolved no matter what  the challenges we were to face then. Mother says that you have to wake up! And it was a very sound advise. short and no frills.. Wake up! 

                       
Somehow it made sense that all the words, all the knowledge.. everything… all pointed that I should just wake up and just BE. I know I have pounded myself a lot on the love and pursuits that I have been running after. I hurt myself too much on those things and I know that it shouldnt be. Its just another cosmic accident. life isnt suppose to be this way but hey.. ive always been such as sucker for desperate undying pledges of devotion… How many has it really been.. since us anyways.. 2 or 3…. devotions that I care not to remember because I can not forget……

                   
At the terminal where I was sending them off to their own realities. My friend looks up to the stars and says. The stars are so beautiful tonight. You were right my friend says. Keep looking up for those stars. And asks for that we hold hands… hold hands  - something that we’ ve done a million times over . and squeeze a tug and it was over.  Goodbye.They move up and into the bus and I start walking away. I look back to wave my last goodbye I saw. A face not calm nor happy. Not quite sad really I thought.. But a tear streaking down and quickly wiped away says it all. I looked away more melancholic than I could ever be…Oh no my friend  and love from the past. I was wrong.Those stars weren’t there for me to look up. You make all those stars with every tear you cry for me…. 

                
It is sad to see myself in others and sadder still that I am the one causing all the pain… but that is love…

          
I would have written more but I am timebound and I dont want to dwell.. I will come back to this.. and tell this better. next time..
Done in 24 minutes.