nothing… wala lang

I dont feel like writing… I guess I’m still in the “living” mode. I did promise though that I will devote ten minutes of my time here everyday.  Operation “forget” still in high gear. Happy to say it is kinda working. Happy to say that the one hundred ninety six thoughts dedicated has been pared down to about maybe fifty. I had the less than savory unavoidable incursions though and it still hurt. I did avoid contact like crazy and the funny thing was clouds do descend on my heart on these incursions. More so recently. I feel that my oh so carefully handled balance will be toppled the moment I gaze into those eyes… peer into those windows of the soul or savor that essence/scent that is so unique. (been told non-scent/ unperfumed - so i guess its just my heart playing tricks on my senses - it does make my heart beat a bit more, and a few more invocations from the privates that need not be mentioned here.) The thing is I am on my way and that way is still far to go but I will get there.

                                
Lesson for the day - nothing. Here goes a trial write up…..

There comes a point in time when you realize that one had been on the wrong path after all.
                      
A point when clarity moves in and you realize you have gone astray. You are in pursuit of a dream. A dream that will not be. Realization comes and somehow its a lot more painful than one expects. That one could not be a part of something possibly so beautiful. Love not meant to be yours after all.

                                 
I wonder what emotions come to play here… envy? jealousy? And thinking about it - the most I feel is the loss. Loss that my destiny holds something different. I know I could make the same bed of roses and probably exceed it. Except that I make it but its not mine to lie on.

                     
So this leads to the multitude out there; How many relationships are out there that bear some sacrifice. Sacrifice that makes the other in a heavenly state with the other so so…

                          
My my there is gloom and doom in my words.. I feel that I am into sceptic writing nowadays. REWRITE…..

                       
Sacrifices we make are because we live for others not ourselves. We may give more not on the premise that we will be getting more in time. Somehow Love is like that even on level of fondness. Giving seems to be the end in itself. “what makes you happy makes me happy may hold true after all. And while I have done this oh so many times… NOW more than ever I am questioning this for one possible reason. I may not be in love after all.(to my object of my affection  I am head over heels in love. I speak of the other one)  Infatuation do come in deeper forms too but not to the extent of love and devotion. So thus I question sacrifice. HECK… REWRITE THE REWRITE…

                
The heart know.. the heart feels and when the heart doubts the mind listens…

                  
But that is not my real sentiment. I am almost at a point where the grass is green again and the sky is blue again - I cant help it… I am after all, still alive… the gloom and doom will be done soon, I hope.. What of the heavenly object of my affection? …. can rot in heaven hahahah.. nahhh not true either…. An open door was dedicated. Altar erected… Forever open.. forever there.. but I’m not to go in.. nor is worship in my mind. Its no longer my turn. If one enters…  great otherwise. Just another avenue lost along the way.  Thats the way the cookie crumbles. This is a weird way of stating that I am waiting but no longer expecting nor running after. hahahaha
                           
Had a busy week by the way. My oh so glamorous friends were here…. letting me get another glipse at life more glittery than my own. where the roll call lists names not alien in self aggrandizing society pages.. their hangers on… the hangers on of those hangers on.. their wannabes.. their attendants … ad nauseum…. reintroducing me to the finer and maybe shallower things in life. Where the next place to be is the most important topic…. or what to wear or where to wine or dine… or who is sleeping with whom… or if one looks good enough… One actually gave me a Japan made make up..haa haa haa ..vanity of the vain….. vanity… another thing that I lost along the way.. ahhh those days of Cable Car.. Giraffe.. Studebaker.. Whereelse….Makati…or the last leg of any night out.. Marlon’s Billiards or Shangrila’s Buffet breakfast or the waking up in Tagaytay Highlands after a long and lost in memory nights.. Malate QC…Tagaytay…. Galera and a million other places I care no longer for as much (LIE)… anywhere but here I guess…But they’re all gone anyways… so  thats all in the past  …………………..  a loss? maybe… but a million other places had replaced those names…. the game is still on and so it begins again .. same faces maybe new ones too.. same drinks different names.. same games… hmmm funny that the moment I thought I’d play again.. offers to come out and play abound again… hmm nothing like a broken heart worn like a medal to attract the vultures dressed as florence nightingales….  hmmm so who is playing who……..?