Adopting Invictus

Yesterday was one for the books on disasters I would think, though it all raged within my mind. Ahh the things that I carry within me. All those quarrels and compromises that are neither really real had I not placed “emotional substance” to it all. I am one that actually lives a couple of lives simultaneously. One of them all in the mind. I wonder at time if its sick… guess it does no harm as long as I know which reality I should be, given the right moment. I don’t really care for to tell all of those living fantasies. Most of them will never see the light of day not even a whisper on the others. And yet they’re there. They give me the escape when I need to. Why do I really do these kinds of fantasizing, (is this a word) Although I know of one life – probably the basest of them all. An eight year old boy who lost his father and never really grew up after that. Pretending to be all grown up when all the while every little new thing is a great challenge and likely scary one. Every new view as alien as the next one and understood only as an eight year old can. Why cant I have this? Is this good? Is this bad? Do you like it? And at times when confusion reigns the most. What should I do? What do you want me to do? I was like that when I went to bed. Fearful that I am lost again. . . . . . . Like the very same day I that lost his father. A million years ago only that its much like it was only yesterday.

Not much sense dwelling in that. That’s one intimate that should be confined under the covers of the mattress. J Anyways… the clarity of thinking of an eight year old actually helps a whole lot. Its simplistic. Its based on the here and the now and what hurts and does not. No clutters nor the intricacies of adult relationships that makes for greater pitfalls and pain. PAIN. – I felt that but only as a nagging feeling of a loss. And with just one straight question WHY?……………………………………. One that all the voices within me could not answer, rationalize nor accept….. I wanted to cry out but none came…. Maybe none ever would.  When I finally dozed off to sleep, It was with that thought plus the singleminded thought that, I’ll play with the dog tomorrow and it will be fun. As drowse and blackness felt into me. I felt nothing anymore. Pain was not there anymore… I slept Tomorrow will be much better. - keep thinking that and maybe it will come true.

And I woke up feeling okay. I went out and played with the dog atop the hill near us. Afterwards on the way back. Was asked to play evens to a foursome shooting hoops. Yah right… The thought of basketball was slightly more enticing to a root canal. I wouldn’t play even if you and your wife were playing buck naked. So I said.. I’d love to but only for 20 only. I have work.  Playing with the unshirted team. Realized I have an itty bitty pouch that’s noticeable when I stand in guard position. – Gravity against me now. Standing up I thought I looked great. Waifishly thin though – no matter. It can be also adolescent skinny hahaahaah – I always liked being thin. Easier clothes and lighter everything. Losing out to the shirters  I went home promising a rematch tomorrow or another day for the defeat. ( Again – yah right) Not after looking like an six footer ungainly clod running left and right like I was carrying an extra limb or two. Was never really coordinated when it comes to sports. No matter.. I had fun..

                   
As I write now though, euphoria gone and leg throbbing and a bit sore. What am I driving at? No lesson here… Just another day. And ordinary one at that. Or maybe not so ordinary. I can think of one thing now though…. I seem not to revel the ordinary days. I like peaks and valleys. I like peaks because of the euphoria and the valleys knowing that a peak is just beyond the crevasse.  Scaling it I like 1 and 5 never a 3… It may have a lot to say of what I am.. I don’t know..

Today is a three.. I am not inspired.. just content.. Life isn’t worth living I guess with just pure contentment or so to say… so so life. I love the emotional roller coaster. Thought thinking about it.. i had run through a peak and was probably in a plateau of emotions that i didnt care for either.. An emotional addict? Is that what I am? And yet  there was thing nothingness.. why….. just nothingness that I am not sure why I feel so…seems like the doldrums of things.

Something was amiss. I searched my heart and soul to why there was something amiss and I keep remembering the words that was the cause of all these upheavals…. Besi` said something that goes like this…. on the most auspicious of days….. the 14th  month named for Janus…. our anniversary and the birthday of my mama and the day of luck for me…………………………” you are preparing to leave me, you are preparing to not love me anymore” And I know that no matter how I have hidden all the sadness then with all the sweetness I know, no matter how convincing I was, I never was able to hide the fact that somewhere along the way I lost my bearing. I didnt know where to go. And while there was no one other. “the one” just doesnt seem there. Oh I kept it well hidden and even more so vigilantly than ever. Maybe love wanes after a time. And for the second time in our lives together. I asked for “away time”. There that is where it all began….

I sense the reason now with that thought. Now months hence….I know that I have come to many decisions that I may or may not regret……………………….

To life…. May it always be interesting…………………………..

Ill add something that was recited in one of the parties I had attended recently … bored me to death save the last two lines. Actually been reliving the whole thing though the last two lines were the only ones reverberating to my soul (ok ok ok  not my soul.. just the small part of me harboring literary pretensions……………………………..

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

 Invictus

Aw shucks.. I write so uninspiringly these days..