token

I seem to have lost the touch and the inclination to write these days. I don’t really know why. But inspiration is eluding me. Though really there is much to write and somehow of greater consequence. Happy to report that I am sort of happy. Sad to report that I still am in a sort of nexus of decisions that I care not to take. One have to make those choices soon. After all not choosing is a choice in itself. It is just sad though.

            Speaking of sad stories. I did encounter a couple of sad stories from friends somewhat close to me L
Have this friend who is in love. Should have been the most wonderful feeling for her. Except that she is the only one loving. The other end of that relationship does not know. It is sad when it comes out that way. Loving with all your heart and soul and not really daring to expect to be loved back. From her stories – there is a lot of fondness between them. That so and so actually cares for her somehow. Though not quite love yet. And she actually gets some attention but attention isn’t love yet and while it would sometimes make one really happy even for a moment. Happy with the fleeting momentary and even misplaced attention. And likely to be content with that least of all “attention”. Only because it came from the “beloved”. Love shouldn’t be like that. It’s isn’t enough and one shouldn’t have to be content with it. She shouldn’t  have to settle. Love isn’t that way.

                The other one soured along the way with the girl holding the bag of love and trying to “get back the feeling”. Going at lengths to get back the boy –who had more than likely moved on and is now living an existence with out her. I know parting and accepting is the only thing left with her.

              Its sad when people part. I don’t know but I have always been a sucker to keep and hold on to a relationship far longer than it should have lasted. One goes to lengths to save a relationship when sometimes the effort should have been exerted to moving on. Are we afraid to accept that it didn’t work and parting is the admission of failure? Or are we just too used to the situation that it may actually grow far worse than what we would have endured when the relationship had started. That is parting.- it’s a dreaded situation most of us would rather not experience and instead we go the roundabout way avoiding it. Ending up in the long run not happy – not with our partners but rather with ourselves.

               I have parted with a beloved and is in a scenario again that I need to part with one I shared a lifetime and a half with. And I am filled with hesitations. Do I try saving six years of relationship because I want it to work or because its working? That question threw me off too much. Do I try saving it because I actually want it to work or work again or Am I desperate in saving it because its working?…………….. frankly I don’t know.

                   I actually got stuck with the “who would you rather be with – the one you love or the one who loves you.”
Would you stay the course of tried and true or the path that leads rocky mountains not really knowing what is hidden behind it.

                  I still sit on the nexus of divergent paths. (I remember using that line before) and will continue sitting there for a while thinking what I really want in life. And while I am swimming in doubt and hesitation, I keep one thing in mind –lest I change my mind again and settle. Endings of one are just beginnings of another. They are the same thing. Even this one was born of the ending of an older relationships. Reminds  me of the old saying – Churches are built on top on burnt and toppled temples and more churches. Much as the glories of today are from the ruins of past glories………. There is no need to parade the ashen altars of my love and devotion to realize that one is built on top of another.

                  All the knowledge in the world though could not comfort me that when I finally choose another altar -  tall and noble falls.
And the arguments and reasoning in the world had not convinced me to move on and make a decision. Even the wrong one.
I know I falter ……because the moment I choose.. one romance dies and another lives. 
The thought though, that sadness no longer dwells exclusively within me and from being the victim I had become the source of the pain. That is the role I am not yet ready to take.

                     If I could choose to live my life… I don’t want this.
If I could only turn around and redo all the choices I had made before I would
If only I never had met you. It may have been a lot better
I never want to cause pain. And not wanting to hurt you I hide ..avoiding pain.
And avoiding pain – am I just hurting you more?

     I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
 

              Muses had fled my abode. I know.
One can’t not be the holder of death and destruction and have the Inspiration dwell in you.
One day I will explain this in detail and sense. For now be content with this lesser of lessons:

                      People nowadays are happy with a lot less affection. They shouldn’t’ have to.
Don’t be one of them.