one wonders

I had this waking dream again… I was flying high. Just your normal astral projection dream one gets in highschool, Wonder why it came back now. Not that it was a bad dream at all. It all ends in one of the most satisfying end of the field touchdown. What I really find remarkable though is not that I dreamed it but that the detail of the dream factored in just about everything. The trees, the lines, the patterns in the road you would see had you been flying on top of it. The roofs, the sceneries and the view with the perspective that nothing is blocking your view.. not the house beside yours, not the trees or the buildings…. details and yet you realize that one could not really have seen any of it in real life… just one of those very calculated constructions from the reality applied to the fantasy………….one wonders…
    
Too bad the dream actually is an expression of the frustration in real life.. Again it can not be helped.. frustrations do come in threes.. and I thank myself that its all there already……. now is the time to reassess what can be salvaged and learn from the lesson these “experiences” try to teach.   hmm one wonders
        
After all…
Love was never meant to be simple or uncomplicated or for the matter a straight line. Always a tangle of web. Except that after one web to another  - one wishes that it isnt so. One wishes for the simplicity of a line, clarity of a sparkling water, the purity of a pearl, the singlemindedness of a child. Sad too that we resort to horse trading, love lorn promises and vengeance born on the throes of passion and partings that sanity could not justify and barely covered by the lies, we ourselves could not accept. And when things fail, when the sun burns, the moon falls, the pedestal of our seemingly tall and splendid altar shatters and falls. Do we still think ourselves wise and encompassing enough to hold things together? Are we that delusional that the world crashing and burning is still normal to us? This is a spiralling downward. One wonders if it ever gets to twist back and right itself? Is this still love I am thinking about or something else.. hmm one wonders
             
One never really learn the lessons of the past but only sees the inches forward. It seems that my life had not progressed a bit since the first time I became aware of all this… Same lessons, same scenario, same shit, same all.. just the names changing.. just the names.
               
Life is much like chocolates… without the bitterness… the sweetness dont mean a thing..
Thats seems to be the lesson for the day!
           
But that isnt what I really want to write at all.
            
I fell in love. And this is in its basest form. Not so much with someone or something or maybe idea. I dont know. All I know is that it was beautiful far beyong I could have imagined. And it happened with out my knowing that when I realized that it was there. It was there alright. Right smack in the middle of my life.  Then I realize that I bought a dream. Or a dream engulfed me. or was it that I was a willing participant of a song a dance of fantasy. I dont know. Either way I believed. Except that now I realize that though it hurts me more than I could bear. Knowing part of you I will never share. That distant and exclusive part of you I will never know. I still did believe. Why did I let myself believe that miracles could happen. Now I find myself in a place where i have to pretend. So I do…….. there is still time. I just got distracted. Maybe if I play the cards right. It will all make sense again. More time with you.. yes.. just a little more.. and a maybe a little less elsewhere.  hmm maybe… one wonders.
                
Well thats the last of the twenty minutes..