hoping heaven heals my heart

March 16, 2007

If I believe in paradise….

I'd swear I'd be there if in that place you would be there

I am in one of those mixed moods again. Loving the one I love. Missing the other I love but couldnt love back. And hoping to high heavens that those I truly love would somehow love me back.  another of those black holes of what ifs and whys that plague every aching heart and unrequieted love affair.

There had been many times that I wold look up and hope to see the face of God. Wondering, asking begging. Of Thee I ask … would it spoil some vast eternal plan if You would give me that one love even for a fleeting moment in time. A fraction of a second that I am the "beholden" one. Will it ever be? could it ever be?

I woke the other day with one of those recurring strange dreams where I was crying…

Havent cried in a while - I have been mostly happy. I was actually asked that - if I was happy. Asked and I said yes otherwise I wouldnt really be talking to you much.. that was my answer. and I got the smiles I wished to see in the first place. But such smiles are so rare and far in between the hurt i feel. I wish i would not feel this way but I do.

Going back to the dream … intense…. compelling  and  totally forgotten except for the clarity of the last lines of the dream time. There was this girl. She was consoling me.Dried my eyes.. telling me…. "Dont waste your tears.. do not mourn our loved ones before their passing."  I dont know why such lines could be so compelling. Hitting me so hard.  And I cried some more… Hearing my own words ask…. what is before??? what is before??? 

I was crying because i am losing someone that I love so and like before, I could not understand why I shold ask but I do nonetheless. A question which does not make sense ordinarily.. A question that one will never answer…… I asked I something that I dont know which one mattered .. the question or the answer …..could not understand what the meaning of before was. Again I am lost. Is there a beginning before it all starts… and knowing that this is the beginning .. what would you call something that is before…  Still asking what is after the end???  Too many questions asking about nothing when I am only hurting because i know you will be gone for good and knowing this what difference that you are still here??? what matter that I have you here and now??? when this is the only left between us. And so I ask?? what is the meaning of before when i know already that you are leaving me… you were mine… and yet you were my forever love. The one that I saw in my dreams to be the one.. the one who should be in many places and times that I am in.. THE ONE…. and yet you werent……….. you will be gone too…. It is but right that I cry.. before their passing… when before or now or then or the future is certain.. there is no before… there is no tomorrow.. just now and the now is ending..

 And knowing that you are leaving is there a difference that you are still here?

I am sad.. sadder than I could ever imagine that I would ever be…  Beyond the point of no return lies the final threshold. A fleeting thought flashed through me and within me sending shivers down my spine. I ask - when will this flesh of yours and mine be one. Down into the dungeons of despair again for me. And once passing that point of no return, there is nothing left but regret. Regret I can take… but can I take the loss of you? I do not know… I do not want to know anymore…

I wasnt asked to go. I wanted to go.  Those were your lines. Leave me?

How is it that where you go I will follow, if you but ask? How can i hope to make you understand why I do what I do? Why I travel to distant lands, far from the home I know. Once I was happily content to be who I was, where I was, close to the people who are close to me. who could imagine I'd be wandering so far from home when i am the one that holds on to sentimentality. Oh what a melancholic choice, this wanting home yet wanting to be elsewhere…closer to you… there with my love I am home. Closing my heart to every hope but his. There where my heart settle long ago My mind is wandering again. Far from home, close to home or should I say in search of home.  Again lost….

Now How am I supposed to unlearn once I've learned to love you?

 

 

lost in thought for the one I had loved for more than a year trying not to love knowing that loving means losing.. as I have always harked..every beginning was pegged with an ending and this ending is now…..