A touch of Prescience….. sometimes good things arent meant to last …

August 19, 2008

 

I guess I had been most happy these past few months. Love is compartamentalized in his own department. Funny that when I lost track of ol stradivarius. Music came strolling back to my life. Chock one for bad karma. Still reeling from the being dethroned - throne being derived from the thronal meanings with heavenly undertones.

Stigma takes too long to heal or get erased but i should say that I have moved on - I can even say that I have found the equillibrium that have for so long eluded me.

 

I am at last a little more at peace with myself. And why not… I have paid my dues. I suffered long enough for the long dead and gone.

 

I am in love again.. not the same intensity as before..  more like its worse than ever. Craving, yearning and crazen.. Is crazen a word? crazed and dazed over you…. Anything for you…  simply anything… Time keeps dragging when you are away… Id do anything for you.. play all games as long as it is playing with you….  But alas – I don’t think it will be the best of cases. I see the world blossoming for you and me but I don’t see it blossoming in the same garden. And I fear that. I am afraid to lose you. Arrg! When I started I knew the rules – two months, don’t get attached, make it really good and always keep some perspective – this is not the be all end all of relationships. Now do I go away or just keep to this knowing that I am now hopelessly into you.

 

What to do, what to do…..prepare and change the rules, it will be disastrous very soon. One does not keep love when you give love too much. The easiest way to kill love is to smother it with more love.  I could still extricate myself …. But do I want to. There is a certain fastidious clarity when one does not play games. I know I do not aim to keep this relationship. It will end as with most that burned too brightly. This reminds me of a song again ….

 

“the choice was mine.. and mine completely – I could burn with the splendor of the brightest star .. or else I could choose time… remember I was very young then .. and the year was forever and a day”  what use to me is another ten years or twenty ………. “

And now what I would give for time……….

 

I know this will be my line soon. Better get ready!!!

If ever I would leave you … posting un the unposted

I wrote this some time in April…. One of those short write ups I wanted to do – but never got to post it. Now its moot I guess but I did wonder what made me prescient in saying the things I said there – “If ever I would leave you”. Ominous, I guess I did know it will end soon. But the time I wrote this – I was very much in love. Not now, not anymore not after all the hurt – and heaven knows how I hurt a lot. I wished it would all end the first time I felt it. Now try doing it over and over 24 hours a day for some time. Now I realize that there are some folks out there that I gave this much pain at one point in my growing to be me. I apologize. I did not mean in and as the line goes on at least 2 songs I’ve heard so far ….. the road to hell is paved with the best intensions… this is true here too. But this is not the topic – this aimed to glorify the love I had at that time and it made for the most wonderful time in my life then…. I’ve done this 11 times before with strangers becoming part of my life and uncounted times with family – and that is to love. I LOVE YOU…….  Will I love again after you? Yes .. will I stop loving you? …. Ask the other 11… I haven’t stopped yet.. so ask me again in another lifetime or two.

 

 

If ever I would leave you
It wouldn’t be in summer.
Seeing you in summer I never would go.
Your hair streaked with sun-light,
Your lips red as flame,
Your face witha lustre
that puts gold to shame!

But if I’d ever leave you,
It couldn’t be in autumn.
How I’d leave in autumn I never will know.
I’ve seen how you sparkle
When fall nips the air.
I know you in autumn
And I must be there.

And could I leave you
running merrily through the snow?
Or on a wintry evening
when you catch the fire’s glow?

If ever I would leave you,
How could it be in spring-time?
Knowing how in spring I’m bewitched by you so?
Oh, no! not in spring-time!
Summer, winter or fall!
No, never could I leave you at all!

 

This song hit me the other day. I just realized that my life had been a roller coaster again. Nothing new! Been there! Done that! Except that even when you’ve done it a million times – even when you had gone through love and back and back again, the journey is never the same, the rules never the same and the pleasure as well as the pain always new to experience. Old formula to get you by and get you the glorified position of being loved while loving back with all your heart and soul, without being hurt turns out to be another false assurance that one alludes to so that you could reconcile your little security blanket – that the blanket is there after all. So going back to my itty bitty story why this story hit me. I just realized that late last year I met someone I that turned my life upside down then right side up. One that I didn’t think will happen to me again. Why would one choose to be in love? Why would one choose to give your right hand, left hand and sanity in a bag for someone else to hold. All this while you’re hoping that the holder of this bag will be gentle and caring enough to realize that my own cherished feeling are all there for one to trash burn, care for and keep.

 

And yet I did – trust.

Will it be worth it? Will it last? I don’t know and should it ever be so. I will be grateful. Otherwise I will move on to realize (after suffering a million small deaths for the rest of natural and unnatural life) that I will only need myself after all.

 

More to come – in love state. Which means I don’t write well…. Hmm this means that I think I write well – how presumptive of me. I don’t write well. But I write worse in the state of soporific love. Who can blame me? Why write when you can do…… and for those who do…. You know what I mean……

 

Last words – DO. It may not come again. Those who live realize that there is more to life than the net. Those who net? – aim to catch something J

 

TO close this out – If ever I would leave you… Don’t ever leave anyone in a time or a place or a scenario that will mar it. Sunsets, sunrise, window side view of the splendor of a cloud formation, arrrrrrrrgh – you are likely to want to see and feel that again. Don’t use your favorite resto or park or hangout place either you would want to go back there right? …..Use the bathroom, a corner alley you never want to go to, a restaurant you are allergic to the food. For a timeframe – what about 11:37AM or 3:54PM  - that’s inconsequential enough for you never to mind. It makes for less pain, less memories .. remember – this world isn’t really big enough for all your love trials .. there are only so many places, there is only one sunset, one sunrise,, only 24 hours a day J ….. make the best of what you got …….. or better yet … If ever I would leave you? .. I would never .. I cherish the sunrise, sunset, morning noon and night with you… dusk and dawn.. high places and low life places… rain or shine….. ….

 

Make sense of that!!!