The Fool That I am…….h

What kind of fool am I, who never fell in love?
It seems that I’m the only one I have been thinking of.
What kind of man is this? An empty shell, a lonely cell
In which an empty heart must dwell?
What kind of lips are these that lied with every kiss?
That whispered empty words of love that left me alone like this?
Why can’t I fall in love like any other man?
And maybe then I’ll know what kind of fool I am.
What kind of clown am I? What do I know of life?
Why can’t I cast away the mask of play and live my life?
Why can’t I fall in love, till I don’t give a damn?
And maybe THEN I’ll know what kind of fool I am.

Another song hitting target dead center………. one of these days i will realize that i am but a drifting wood caught in the waters of a speeding river….. and then when that happens? what? .. i honestly dont know… 

Home

Missing home a lot .. not that i am unhappy but just restless i guess… i miss being grounded  - home. I miss it most of all. Losing grip of that great concept….  so today i ask .. what is home? where is home? and more importantly  will i ever be there again?

Told a friend i was unusually high last week and i will crash and crashing will come a revelation… o what is it that is revealed to me? what great revelation of truth have i discovered this time? and when i do find this…. what now?

Here is a song from childhood my sister sang.. my cousins sang that always struck the deepest part of me…

When I think of home
I think of a place where there’s love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing

Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin’ the scene, makes it all clean

Maybe there’s a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there’s love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again

Suddenly my world has changed it’s face
But I still know where I’m going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I’ve watched it growing

If you’re list’ning God
Please don’t make it hard to know
If we should believe in the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?

Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it’s real, real to me

And I’ve learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
Like yours
Like mine

Like home…

Another lost one……….

I guess I had been most happy these past few months. Love is compartamentalized in his own department. Funny that when I lost track of ol stradivarius. Music came strolling back to my life. Chock one for bad karma. Still reeling from the being dethroned - throne being derived from the thronal meanings with heavenly undertones.

Stigma takes too long to heal or get erased but i should say that I have moved on - I can even say that I have found the equillibrium that have for so long eluded me.

I am at last a little more at peace with myself. And why not… I have paid my dues. I suffered long enough for the long dead and gone.

I am in love again.. not the same intensity as before..  more like its worse than ever. Craving, yearning and crazen.. Is crazen a word? crazed and dazed over you…. Anything for you…  simply anything… Time keeps dragging when you are away… Id do anything for you.. play all games as long as it is playing with you…. 

But alas – I don’t think it will be the best of cases. I see the world blossoming for you and me but I don’t see it blossoming in the same garden. And I fear that. I am afraid to lose you. Arrg! When I started I knew the rules – a few months, don’t get attached, make it really good and always keep some perspective – this is not the be all end all of relationships. Now do I go away or just keep to this knowing that I am now hopelessly into you.

What to do, what to do…..prepare and change the rules, it will be disastrous very soon.  I fell for you once more…..I remember this song we heard together…

“the choice was mine.. and mine completely – I could burn with the splendor of the brightest star .. or else I could choose time… remember I was very young then .. and the year was forever and a day”  what use to me is another ten years or twenty ………. “

And now what I would give for time……….

I know this will be my line soon. Better get ready!!!

Lamentations to a lost love young playful and musical.

A touch of Prescience….. sometimes good things arent meant to last …

I guess I had been most happy these past few months. Love is compartamentalized in his own department. Funny that when I lost track of ol stradivarius. Music came strolling back to my life. Chock one for bad karma. Still reeling from the being dethroned - throne being derived from the thronal meanings with heavenly undertones.

Stigma takes too long to heal or get erased but i should say that I have moved on - I can even say that I have found the equillibrium that have for so long eluded me.

I am at last a little more at peace with myself. And why not… I have paid my dues. I suffered long enough for the long dead and gone.

I am in love again.. not the same intensity as before..  more like its worse than ever. Craving, yearning and crazen.. Is crazen a word? crazed and dazed over you…. Anything for you…  simply anything… Time keeps dragging when you are away… Id do anything for you.. play all games as long as it is playing with you….  But alas – I don’t think it will be the best of cases. I see the world blossoming for you and me but I don’t see it blossoming in the same garden. And I fear that. I am afraid to lose you. Arrg! When I started I knew the rules – two months, don’t get attached, make it really good and always keep some perspective – this is not the be all end all of relationships. Now do I go away or just keep to this knowing that I am now hopelessly into you.

What to do, what to do…..prepare and change the rules, it will be disastrous very soon. One does not keep love when you give love too much. The easiest way to kill love is to smother it with more love.  I could still extricate myself …. But do I want to. There is a certain fastidious clarity when one does not play games. I know I do not aim to keep this relationship. It will end as with most that burned too brightly. This reminds me of a song again ….

“the choice was mine.. and mine completely – I could burn with the splendor of the brightest star .. or else I could choose time… remember I was very young then .. and the year was forever and a day”  what use to me is another ten years or twenty ………. “

And now what I would give for time……….

I know this will be my line soon. Better get ready!!!

If ever I would leave you … posting un the unposted

I wrote this some time in April…. One of those short write ups I wanted to do – but never got to post it. Now its moot I guess but I did wonder what made me prescient in saying the things I said there – “If ever I would leave you”. Ominous, I guess I did know it will end soon. But the time I wrote this – I was very much in love. Not now, not anymore not after all the hurt – and heaven knows how I hurt a lot. I wished it would all end the first time I felt it. Now try doing it over and over 24 hours a day for some time. Now I realize that there are some folks out there that I gave this much pain at one point in my growing to be me. I apologize. I did not mean in and as the line goes on at least 2 songs I’ve heard so far ….. the road to hell is paved with the best intensions… this is true here too. But this is not the topic – this aimed to glorify the love I had at that time and it made for the most wonderful time in my life then…. I’ve done this 11 times before with strangers becoming part of my life and uncounted times with family – and that is to love. I LOVE YOU…….  Will I love again after you? Yes .. will I stop loving you? …. Ask the other 11… I haven’t stopped yet.. so ask me again in another lifetime or two.

If ever I would leave you
It wouldn’t be in summer.
Seeing you in summer I never would go.
Your hair streaked with sun-light,
Your lips red as flame,
Your face witha lustre
that puts gold to shame!

But if I’d ever leave you,
It couldn’t be in autumn.
How I’d leave in autumn I never will know.
I’ve seen how you sparkle
When fall nips the air.
I know you in autumn
And I must be there.

And could I leave you
running merrily through the snow?
Or on a wintry evening
when you catch the fire’s glow?

If ever I would leave you,
How could it be in spring-time?
Knowing how in spring I’m bewitched by you so?
Oh, no! not in spring-time!
Summer, winter or fall!
No, never could I leave you at all!

This song hit me the other day. I just realized that my life had been a roller coaster again. Nothing new! Been there! Done that! Except that even when you’ve done it a million times – even when you had gone through love and back and back again, the journey is never the same, the rules never the same and the pleasure as well as the pain always new to experience. Old formula to get you by and get you the glorified position of being loved while loving back with all your heart and soul, without being hurt turns out to be another false assurance that one alludes to so that you could reconcile your little security blanket – that the blanket is there after all. So going back to my itty bitty story why this story hit me. I just realized that late last year I met someone I that turned my life upside down then right side up. One that I didn’t think will happen to me again. Why would one choose to be in love? Why would one choose to give your right hand, left hand and sanity in a bag for someone else to hold. All this while you’re hoping that the holder of this bag will be gentle and caring enough to realize that my own cherished feeling are all there for one to trash burn, care for and keep.

And yet I did – trust.

Will it be worth it? Will it last? I don’t know and should it ever be so. I will be grateful. Otherwise I will move on to realize (after suffering a million small deaths for the rest of natural and unnatural life) that I will only need myself after all.

More to come – in love state. Which means I don’t write well…. Hmm this means that I think I write well – how presumptive of me. I don’t write well. But I write worse in the state of soporific love. Who can blame me? Why write when you can do…… and for those who do…. You know what I mean……

Last words – DO. It may not come again. Those who live realize that there is more to life than the net. Those who net? – aim to catch something J

TO close this out – If ever I would leave you… Don’t ever leave anyone in a time or a place or a scenario that will mar it. Sunsets, sunrise, window side view of the splendor of a cloud formation, arrrrrrrrgh – you are likely to want to see and feel that again. Don’t use your favorite resto or park or hangout place either you would want to go back there right? …..Use the bathroom, a corner alley you never want to go to, a restaurant you are allergic to the food. For a timeframe – what about 11:37AM or 3:54PM  - that’s inconsequential enough for you never to mind. It makes for less pain, less memories .. remember – this world isn’t really big enough for all your love trials .. there are only so many places, there is only one sunset, one sunrise,, only 24 hours a day J ….. make the best of what you got …….. or better yet … If ever I would leave you? .. I would never .. I cherish the sunrise, sunset, morning noon and night with you… dusk and dawn.. high places and low life places… rain or shine….. ….

Make sense of that!!!

Desperado…..

Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
You been out ridin fences for so long now
Oh, youre a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin you
Can hurt you somehow

I know I am running desperate now. I don’t know what to do, don’t know what to say. I know of the hundred reasons to go. 99 was mine. It does not seem that we would be back as it used to be as much as I hope it could still be so. There are times that enough need to be enough and one should let go. Except that I am again looking in from way outside. Detachment had always been my thing. But here I am starting at the end of the story and hoping that someone ever understands my ramblings…….. I can not help it…. I am hurting… I am lost.. I have no direction…..

A long long time ago  mid-winter’s eve, on a very very dark night on a corner of the world half forgotten, I was lying in my restlessness and there you were, A breath of fresh air in the dank, desolation of my lonesome and loneliness. I said hello or something I said with the hesitancy and the mock bravery I do not have. A whisper, a sigh, a blush and a spark of interest …… and it was a whirlwind of wanting to know you, needing to know you, loving to know you now……….

Many moons later, many dark nights later … I got lost… I did not see that I need you more and more as I had grown to love you beyond I cared to admit, beyond what I cared to give…. I had lost my heart to you… knowing that it was safe, warm and taken cared for…….Little did I know and realize that your heart was with me too. Should have been safe, tucked away in the securest place I could keep it.. my heart……Why I chose to think or not to think of it was beyond me… I do love you, and care for you and want to keep you happy… I guess sometimes we forget that we are caretakers of the hearts we steal and keepers or the promises we give……….

Don you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
Shell beat you if shes able
You know the queen of heats is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you cant get

Desperado, oh, you aint gettin no youger
Your pain and your hunger, theyre drivin you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, thats just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

I chose this path unwittingly. I must take the hardship the comes with it. And knowing that I had lost you already, I must fight for you, only I don’t have the face, the guts and the mien anymore…. I am no longer credible, no two feet to stand on. Lost and alone again.

Desperado? Yes I am… deathly desperate to find you, seek you out, be with you … to love me.

Dont your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky wont snow and the sun wont shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosin all your highs and lows
Aint it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin, but theres a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before its too late

It is too late now though… far too late, too far gone and I am watching your ship go by unable to shout out…. I need you.. I want you… I love you…….

Not my best… I know…. I am still so lost.. cant think…. Muse and love gone .. what is left but words L

If ever I would leave you………………

If ever I would leave you
It wouldn’t be in summer.
Seeing you in summer I never would go.
Your hair streaked with sun-light,
Your lips red as flame,
Your face witha lustre
that puts gold to shame!

If ever I would leave you,
How could it be in spring-time?
Knowing how in spring I’m bewitched by you so?
Oh, no! not in spring-time!
Summer, winter or fall!
No, never could I leave you at all!

This song hit me the other day. I just realized that my life had been a roller coaster again. Nothing new! Been there! Done that! Except that even when you’ve done it a million times – even when you had gone through love and back and back again, the journey is never the same, the rules never the same and the pleasure as well as the pain always new to experience. Old formula to get you by and get you the glorified position of being loved while loving back with all your heart and soul, without being hurt turns out to be another false assurance that one alludes to so that you could reconcile your little security blanket – that the blanket is there after all. So going back to my itty bitty story why this story hit me. I just realized that late last year I met someone I that turned my life upside down then right side up. One that I didn’t think will happen to me again. Why would one choose to be in love? Why would one choose to give your right hand, left hand and sanity in a bag for someone else to hold. All this while you’re hoping that the holder of this bag will be gentle and caring enough to realize that my own cherished feeling are all there for one to trash burn, care for and keep.

And yet I did – trust.

Will it be worth it? Will it last? I don’t know and should it ever be so. I will be grateful. Otherwise I will move on to realize (after suffering a million small deaths for the rest of natural and unnatural life) that I will only need myself after all.

More to come – in love state. Which means I don’t write well…. Hmm this means that I think I write well – how presumptive of me. I don’t write well. But I write worse in the state of soporific love. Who can blame me? Why write when you can do…… and for those who do…. You know what I mean……

Last words – DO. It may not come again. Those who live realize that there is more to life than the net. Those who net? – aim to catch something J

TO close this out – If ever I would leave you… Don’t ever leave anyone in a time or a place or a scenario that will mar it. Sunsets, sunrise, window side view of the splendor of a cloud formation, arrrrrrrrgh – you are likely to want to see and feel that again. Don’t use your favorite resto or park or hangout place either you would want to go back there right? …..Use the bathroom, a corner alley you never want to go to, a restaurant you are allergic to the food. For a timeframe – what about 11:37AM or 3:54PM  - that’s inconsequential enough for you never to mind. It makes for less pain, less memories .. remember – this world isn’t really big enough for all your love trials .. there are only so many places, there is only one sunset, one sunrise,, only 24 hours a day J ….. make the best of what you got …….. or better yet … If ever I would leave you? .. I would never .. I cherish the sunrise, sunset, morning noon and night with you… dusk and dawn.. high places and low life places… rain or shine….. ….

Make sense of that!!!

HABANG ATIN ANG GABI

SUMAPIT MAN ANG DILIM
HINDI MANGANGAMBA
MAGKAKANLONG SA DILIM
HINDI NAG-IISA
DAHIL KAPILING KA

LUMALIM MAN ANG GABI
HINDI MAHIHIMBING
AABANGAN ANG BUWAN
HABANG BINIBILANG ANG MGA BITUIN
Chorus:
ANG LUHA AT DAHAS
NG NAGDAANG UMAGA
SA LAMBONG NG GABI
TILA NAGLAHO NA
MAY LUHA AT DAHAS
SA DARATING NA BUKAS
NGUNIT HABANG GABI
WALANG MABABAKAS
YAKAPIN MO KO
HABANG ATIN ANG GABI
(YAKAPIN MO KO)
HABANG ATIN ANG MUNDO

PAGLIPAS NG MAGDAMAG
HINDI MALULUMBAY
DAHIL BUONG MAGDAMAG
TAYONG DALAWA, SINTA
NANGARAP NG SABAY

I dont have much to say about this song. I call this song mine though it is not. It was given me by one who’s heart I carry……………………. 

Flying Without Wings

I have always though myself of a bird…. Maybe it was the thought that I am flying that had always attracted me to such a fantasy. In a way it could be that, though I think it is more so on the thought that I am really flying…. Not the literal flying though that in itself I had wished so much too and dreamed for so long as well…

Do I wish to fly because I am still looking for something? Or do I wish to fly simply because I am looking?

I wonder which one holds more attraction….. I know though that flying as my mind wanders there is one thing that I desire more than flying… it’s the flying back to my little nest. Nest I am not sure exists… Does it now?

I don’t know…

Why did my mind wander to this hopeless/hopeful hoping again? Am I losing it again? Another foolish enterprise knowing that it will end where I care not to be? One say hi so easily and gets lost in those gazes. One hello gets you another fifteen minutes of ecstasy but only after half an eternity waiting and another half an eternity of agony after… 

So is it worth flying without wings knowing that though you may soar to the high heavens to reach for the stars. You can only kiss the stars only to fall back in your small and lonely place on the ground….. Is it worth it?

I don’t know?

There is this someone again a hundred times complicated by relationships another thousand times unavailable. And yet I feel close, far closer than any I have ever ventured to be. I knew you well, too well. And love had grown for all I know. Look at the two of us. Another set of strangers in so many ways. A life time to share but not together or maybe together but not as one. Time will tell or it will not. And while I stare at you and hear your heart beat every single time, I know that we are stars apart.  I often wonder why your heart beats for me those strangest times when you know that those beats will keep me sane. How can you tell? And yet not be able to tell me that you feel the same. I do feel lost whenever that happens. You could be the sweetest thing to me, the most caring thing in the world and yet still a star far away. And though you can lift me to fly even without wings……. I can never fly to you and stay there…. Not now not forever… and knowing me…

Forever is the only thing will do. I have forever…… You are my forever…. I am your forever… but maybe apart.. for now.. for a while… forever. I will wait. Now … forever……. And those fleeting moments that your being you lifts me up to the stars to fly without wings.. should be enough to last me a second.. a minute .. a forever……

You will always be my stigmata…………………………………………. This I know.

So here the song that brought this thought back to my fleeting mind……..

"Flying Without Wings"

Everybody's looking for that something

One thing that makes it all complete

You'll find it in the strangest places

Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children

Some find it in their lover's eyes

Who can deny the joy it brings

When you've found that special thing

You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning

Some in their solitary lives

You'll find it in the words of others

A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You'll find it in the deepest friendship

The kind you cherish all your life

And when you know how much that means

You've found that special thing

You're flying without wings

So, impossible as they may seem

You've got to fight for every dream

Cos who's to know which one you let go

Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you

To watch the sunrise on your face

To know that I can say I love you

In any given time or place

It's little things that only I know

Those are the things that make you mine

And it's like flying without wings

Cos you're my special thing

I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins

And you'll be where it ends

I'm flying without wings

And that's the joy you bring

I'm flying without wings

Where ever you are, in whatever form you come to me….. when you do, I know ill be flying without wings…

Dedicated to September 17.

You’ll be safe here

You'll be safe here…………..

Nobody knows
Just why we’re here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
‘Coz when nothing seems clear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You’ll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything’s unclear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You’ll be safe here

When no one understands
I’ll believe
You’ll be safe,
You’ll be safe
You’ll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You’ll be safe here

This is one of the few songs of late that had touched my heart. Not so much because that its singsong or that it was nicely played in Star Channel. Though I did get impressed that it was there.. I heard of the song way before it was being played there.. Now i did wonder why it almost made me cry.. "YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE"

Was if for me for someone i care about? Was it because even after so many years drifting apart I know that we are drifting towards each other after all? That all roads leads to you after all? So smoothly so carelessly so unintentionally like it was there all along? I wonder? Or could be the other one? Or the other one? Or the other one? Frankly I have no idea but as i revel in the song and almost weep by the message it aims to relay… I ask…..Am I really safe here? Am I really safe now?

I understood fairly very early on that I would be alone and had stood in that belief until you and you and you came along….. though now light fading on the dreams that I could change the world alone and on my own two hands .. … I am touched .. by the same words ..

SAVE your eyes from your tears ..  I do remember those words from some other instance of comfort to my aching heart……..

Remember how we laughed until we cried at the most stupid things …   seems like it wasn't stupid after all .. not when the fondest memories now rise from those most stupid instances. Love was all that we were on after all.. and though love was never the problem.. I ask now? when did the light disappear for us?

From the sheer weight of your doubts and fears … I dont know anyone that knows the weight in my heart feels.. all those doubts and all those fears but you tried to hold it nonetheless. Not knowing it will hurt you and harm you.. if that is not love unconditional I dont know what is…. I didnt know then as I dont know now……. Why didnt I see that light fading and go.

When the light disappears and when this world's insincere … ahhh why do i have to wait that long for me to realize what i truly need and want.. I dont know but here I am floundering still.. wallowing in this fading light that is called my life.. insincere.. flashy… loud… everything there and yet… empty…. empty ..empty… wasted…

As I listen over and over to this song thinking of you.. I wonder.. why this song is significant at all… was it the words? was it the thought? was it that I am lost forever only because I choose to be lost forever? I know if I but open my eyes I will see that light… If I but turn around and look,…. that light would be blindingly bright…… If I could but turn around open my eyes. I am lost forever, I know!!!. And even as I can feel the light, I still cry out for light. Asking for the light…. Asking for the light as bright as day and wondering .. do i need a candle to see this light……I knowingly turned away from the light not knowing I am turning away…….

So I will listen and wonder and do nothing but wonder because thats the only thing I can do. Maybe you would save me… maybe you would make me safe …maybe ……. for the meantime .. I will listen to the message of the song loud and clear .. YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE!!!

hoping heaven heals my heart

If I believe in paradise….

I'd swear I'd be there if in that place you would be there

I am in one of those mixed moods again. Loving the one I love. Missing the other I love but couldnt love back. And hoping to high heavens that those I truly love would somehow love me back.  another of those black holes of what ifs and whys that plague every aching heart and unrequieted love affair.

There had been many times that I wold look up and hope to see the face of God. Wondering, asking begging. Of Thee I ask … would it spoil some vast eternal plan if You would give me that one love even for a fleeting moment in time. A fraction of a second that I am the "beholden" one. Will it ever be? could it ever be?

I woke the other day with one of those recurring strange dreams where I was crying…

Havent cried in a while - I have been mostly happy. I was actually asked that - if I was happy. Asked and I said yes otherwise I wouldnt really be talking to you much.. that was my answer. and I got the smiles I wished to see in the first place. But such smiles are so rare and far in between the hurt i feel. I wish i would not feel this way but I do.

Going back to the dream … intense…. compelling  and  totally forgotten except for the clarity of the last lines of the dream time. There was this girl. She was consoling me.Dried my eyes.. telling me…. "Dont waste your tears.. do not mourn our loved ones before their passing."  I dont know why such lines could be so compelling. Hitting me so hard.  And I cried some more… Hearing my own words ask…. what is before??? what is before??? 

I was crying because i am losing someone that I love so and like before, I could not understand why I shold ask but I do nonetheless. A question which does not make sense ordinarily.. A question that one will never answer…… I asked I something that I dont know which one mattered .. the question or the answer …..could not understand what the meaning of before was. Again I am lost. Is there a beginning before it all starts… and knowing that this is the beginning .. what would you call something that is before…  Still asking what is after the end???  Too many questions asking about nothing when I am only hurting because i know you will be gone for good and knowing this what difference that you are still here??? what matter that I have you here and now??? when this is the only left between us. And so I ask?? what is the meaning of before when i know already that you are leaving me… you were mine… and yet you were my forever love. The one that I saw in my dreams to be the one.. the one who should be in many places and times that I am in.. THE ONE…. and yet you werent……….. you will be gone too…. It is but right that I cry.. before their passing… when before or now or then or the future is certain.. there is no before… there is no tomorrow.. just now and the now is ending..

 And knowing that you are leaving is there a difference that you are still here?

I am sad.. sadder than I could ever imagine that I would ever be…  Beyond the point of no return lies the final threshold. A fleeting thought flashed through me and within me sending shivers down my spine. I ask - when will this flesh of yours and mine be one. Down into the dungeons of despair again for me. And once passing that point of no return, there is nothing left but regret. Regret I can take… but can I take the loss of you? I do not know… I do not want to know anymore…

I wasnt asked to go. I wanted to go.  Those were your lines. Leave me?

How is it that where you go I will follow, if you but ask? How can i hope to make you understand why I do what I do? Why I travel to distant lands, far from the home I know. Once I was happily content to be who I was, where I was, close to the people who are close to me. who could imagine I'd be wandering so far from home when i am the one that holds on to sentimentality. Oh what a melancholic choice, this wanting home yet wanting to be elsewhere…closer to you… there with my love I am home. Closing my heart to every hope but his. There where my heart settle long ago My mind is wandering again. Far from home, close to home or should I say in search of home.  Again lost….

Now How am I supposed to unlearn once I've learned to love you?

lost in thought for the one I had loved for more than a year trying not to love knowing that loving means losing.. as I have always harked..every beginning was pegged with an ending and this ending is now…..

125 seconds to write what i feel

I will write fresh and new.

Not that the muses look upon me again.

I guess I am less than happy..  less than sad.

Life is interesting as it is.

Love comes as it should and go when it must.

I dont know what else to say with the way things are

One day at a time and each day bringing something

To be happy about cry for and the small consolation cry with

And rewards smile and laugh for

The past while behind me is just a memory away

Tucked away when hurtful and a sweet remembrance to fill the dull hours.

I thank the world, the heavens and the One for making me live my life……

one wonders

I had this waking dream again… I was flying high. Just your normal astral projection dream one gets in highschool, Wonder why it came back now. Not that it was a bad dream at all. It all ends in one of the most satisfying end of the field touchdown. What I really find remarkable though is not that I dreamed it but that the detail of the dream factored in just about everything. The trees, the lines, the patterns in the road you would see had you been flying on top of it. The roofs, the sceneries and the view with the perspective that nothing is blocking your view.. not the house beside yours, not the trees or the buildings…. details and yet you realize that one could not really have seen any of it in real life… just one of those very calculated constructions from the reality applied to the fantasy………….one wonders…
    
Too bad the dream actually is an expression of the frustration in real life.. Again it can not be helped.. frustrations do come in threes.. and I thank myself that its all there already……. now is the time to reassess what can be salvaged and learn from the lesson these “experiences” try to teach.   hmm one wonders
        
After all…
Love was never meant to be simple or uncomplicated or for the matter a straight line. Always a tangle of web. Except that after one web to another  - one wishes that it isnt so. One wishes for the simplicity of a line, clarity of a sparkling water, the purity of a pearl, the singlemindedness of a child. Sad too that we resort to horse trading, love lorn promises and vengeance born on the throes of passion and partings that sanity could not justify and barely covered by the lies, we ourselves could not accept. And when things fail, when the sun burns, the moon falls, the pedestal of our seemingly tall and splendid altar shatters and falls. Do we still think ourselves wise and encompassing enough to hold things together? Are we that delusional that the world crashing and burning is still normal to us? This is a spiralling downward. One wonders if it ever gets to twist back and right itself? Is this still love I am thinking about or something else.. hmm one wonders
             
One never really learn the lessons of the past but only sees the inches forward. It seems that my life had not progressed a bit since the first time I became aware of all this… Same lessons, same scenario, same shit, same all.. just the names changing.. just the names.
               
Life is much like chocolates… without the bitterness… the sweetness dont mean a thing..
Thats seems to be the lesson for the day!
           
But that isnt what I really want to write at all.
            
I fell in love. And this is in its basest form. Not so much with someone or something or maybe idea. I dont know. All I know is that it was beautiful far beyong I could have imagined. And it happened with out my knowing that when I realized that it was there. It was there alright. Right smack in the middle of my life.  Then I realize that I bought a dream. Or a dream engulfed me. or was it that I was a willing participant of a song a dance of fantasy. I dont know. Either way I believed. Except that now I realize that though it hurts me more than I could bear. Knowing part of you I will never share. That distant and exclusive part of you I will never know. I still did believe. Why did I let myself believe that miracles could happen. Now I find myself in a place where i have to pretend. So I do…….. there is still time. I just got distracted. Maybe if I play the cards right. It will all make sense again. More time with you.. yes.. just a little more.. and a maybe a little less elsewhere.  hmm maybe… one wonders.
                
Well thats the last of the twenty minutes..

eight mins

Forever is gone..
Lost in the waves of time.
Much like when my moon fell
When my angel fled
Or when beloved was no more.
      
What does one do when that happens? Distractions. There are far too many nowadays. Not really working or working too well.  I fall so easily and falling is never a happy place to be. So I ask now… When does a distraction become the object of affection? When does the gadfly become your sole reason for living?
        
I was deep into this struggle, thurst after thrust, drive after drive and yet I was so far away. Thats when  i realized  I wasnt really there. I was somewhere else. I was everywhere except the place i am supposed to be. And as this mindless pounding lead to another mindless pounding, nothingness flooded my being, my core.
And so I go again I am lost again. What was I really doing? Where was I? Again I dont know. Safe within the blanket of a love - yes and yet i truly ask myself, I could not be much further away had I been in another world or life…….Distraction… my distraction distracted me. I dont know which was which anymore.
        
I see the light on a backdrop of more light that the light i see is dimmed in this stream of light. Do that make any sense at all.
I know one thing that does:
I was trying to invent love not realizing that its been long created.
      
All this will pass though. Life has a way of repairing a loss or failure or at least thats what we try convincing ourselves…
          
here’s another thought:
I think I am dead.  And I died a failure because i never tried.
              
Why do i write only when I am melancholic?
I dont know………
lost 8 mins on this…………

just another outburst

Got a word play again.. As I was asked if I was in a relationship. Said that I was out of it  and had broken up a few months back.. but yes.. may have been “in love” but not really in love.. It got my ol time friend confused if I was in love but wasnt in it or “in a love that I wasnt particularly digging it in.,
          
Does it make sense? it wont. It never will. As most love dont.  but lemme clarify anyways. I found a love that fitted me oh so snugly that i actually thought it was one that I had been waiting for. Ahh all the relationships I had I saw the ending. I saw it from the start knowing that I was never really meant to keep it for the longest time. You know.. a relationship that you do not built the foundations of forever. knowing that sooner than later it will pass. The kind that you just let flounder for the longest time. For all of that I apologize. My heart may have been in it but destiny doesnt have plans of forever for that relationship. Sometimes it happens. And try as hard as I wanted to write forever on that, I wasnt one lucky enough to write it with the conviction it needed. Until now. I saw met and encountered the one, the forever. Too late that I found out that another forever was written already and it wasnt me in it.
     
Hard now to untangle what is here and what i want to happen and harder still how to reset everything that I could walk away unscathed or in one piece without this heartache.
            
So how now brown cow? where do I go from here? Stating to the world, I AM “IN LOVE” .. true…. but i am not in love.
Ahhh just another word play.  But fate does play so cruel at times.
              

There is a fine line between fate and coincidence…… 
I chanced upon this one I call “forever” beloved” and “seraph”
With eyes that shines all glory and heaven’s cradle. 
I thought that it was mine to keep if i work at it.
Despite the odds that I will face I do not waver
But there is a time when even I wake up
And realize life would not deal me this cards this time
Though sweet and gentle and fitting it could be
I am resigned to the fate that “beloved” will never be mine.
Revisiting Forever…
I thought I closed this door a long long time ago. And yet encounter after encounter finds me wanting to write my sorrows again. The urge to shout to the world. I LOVE YOU. And it seems that rainy days and gloomy dawns bring that. What would this world hold when the least of all chances had gone snuffed and shackled and lost. When there is no more chance, Does one lose hope as well?
     
    
If only time will tell me but time seems to have opted not to speak to me anymore. And if it ever did, I was too too busy straining to hear to ever listen.
All gone all gone all gone save one. I am still in love.
I may die of it but the seraph continues to haunt me
      
 
Forever stays……………….

captive

I am a prisoner.
It is so hard to know and realize that the one I hold in my heart is but a touch away, a smile away and yet a world apart.
           
How do I get to escape the existence of being a prisoner, a captive where one can only rattle the bars and at the top of ones lungs yell out.. I love you. 
               
And yet no one to hear those words.
                 
Not hearing does it mean I didnt say it?
Not being able to love you, do I still love at all?

If there is a word that can actually describe the word bad… bad and as hurting as the million needles stuck to your heart. A million blades cutting your very being. Though if you find that one should find nearby the emptiness feeling …emptiness reaching beyond vacuum. Emptiness when you know that the single thing that can make you whole again is steps away but a world apart………
               
But then I realize that I am tired of feeling bad all the time. It should not be the case. Love was meant to make you everything that I wasn’t feeling now. I will forget. I will leave. It will pass…. I hope…. 

A smile

A smile. A hello and I was in love. Heavens opened their arms and a was swept up and thought I lived there.
A presence, a feel, a dream and I was no longer on earth. The world shone and showed me its wonders.
A word, a possibility, a doorway, a maybe and I saw life as it would be in stellar heights. My destiny. 
            
       
Out of an infinite possibilities why i saw the whites on her teeth, I chose to believe the most impossible. That “forever” loves me. Ahh a seraphic dream again.
                 
          
I didnt see what was…. I saw what I wanted to see.
          
               
How many times did it happen to you and how many more time will it happen again that I’ll hope for what can not be, what wont be and what refused to be.
                             
I think its time to give up on this one love. It is hurting far too much and seven months of mourning the love may be enough now.
Now if only I can say goodbye to that beautiful dream…………… 
                              

what if

Sometimes one gets to the end of one’s tolerance and just ends up tired. Tired tired and tired. Thats is where i am at now. Somewhere between no longer caring and desperately out of hope. I dont know when i started feeling like this nor what or how i got about to being where I am. I just am. I fear now that if I do anything. If i but move a muscle. That resistance would engulf me and there would be nothing left with all the things I actually cared about.
I need rest. I need the peace of mind. But mostly I think i need the feeling that everything will turn out ok in the end that all the worries are for nothing. Nothing brings that anymore. I used to have this notion that if I let things work itself out - put the right amount of effort to get things to work and work it will. I dont seem to have that touch these days. Nowadays it seems like one disappointment after another. One mistake after the other. And even when I know that I did all I can. I dont feel relieved or happy or even the contentment that it was a job well done. Its just one drain after the other. At the end of the day - a million things done, another million things taken care of.. I still feel that nothing really mattered. NOTHING MATTERED. It was all empty gestures. Dead cares. Futile actions. Void.
I lost my muse when I lost you. I think that is the problem. 
I would wonder though if i could actually find it back. As wondering brings back hope. Hope brings back drive. Drive brings back commitment. Commitment makes one feel for what? Feel for what? I do not know? ……. Except this time i cant wonder.. I dont have the urge to wonder yet. nor the desire. nor the need… unfeeling. that too.. I am unfeeling at this time. I actually wish I could cry because crying would make me feel. and feeling would make me want to do something about it. not like now that I am lost and catatonic. or maybe the word is paralyzed. - unwanting anything. unneeding anything; unfeeling anything. Like death?  Why does it feel so much like a death watch. Not a wake where I could mourn and cry. Death watch. You get to feel the loss but not have the right to show the loss.  Is this how things should be? - another question that i no longer care for. What should? Can i just feel? Can I just be? Can it be possible that I only be for that I want and need - no more………..
I dont know how to end this…………. maybe it shouldnt have.

Brief Philosophy

 
There are many things in life that one sort of misses when at times it stares us right in the face. Well sometimes oh so literally.
                   
     
I had this err encounter a while back when I was in this less than enlightened mode. The mode when you know.. you are sort of non- monotonous errr monogamous, I think the term was called polyga-pig. I have that once in a while. After very painful break up. Anyways this isnt about my being a pig nor with my endless devotion to one that got away nor to any other thing that can come up to your mind. Just another lesson or insight so bent that maybe its straight after all. This is just one of those observations that was there all the time but strikes you a long long time after and it kinda brings a smile to your miserable life and then it makes you think. Hey I have nice undies today!……..
                      
After my bath.. well shower this time.. water is so expensive nowadays I dont know if I should just keep to baths with rations of two buckets. I remember one of my bosses kidding about it and though I found it funny.. I thank all my luck that I always have options for either - if Im willing to shell out a hundred or so every two or three days.(Again distracted by the bath.hahaha) Thats not yet it. I shouldnt really boring you all with my err morning constitutionals.. if you could call it morning or constitutional. Anyways - got dressed and was rummaging through my bottom drawers for undies I’ll wear. It occurred to me that I have a lot of scanky underwear and was trying to recall when the last time I bought undies. That was last week and the one before that was seven months ago. Then I realized gad!!. I dont buy my underwear! And the next thought was hmm this one is a size too big.(the one I bought!!!)  I think I’d reach a point of too much dependency when it got to that. One could tell. When one finds it hard to make his own coffee right  - yes - you are getting a little spoiled ( true again on this count- I keep not getting the right coffee for myself at work) Going back… too much distractions - scanky boxers, less than romping age briefs and some that with two more washings would not need to be thrown away. They will just fade away and evaporate. YIKES!! I have odd undies. I got two that I know I wore somewhere that I would never ever wear again. Not in my wildest dreams anyways. Its got net on it and the other one had shiny thingies hahaha.  I tried it anyways just for fun. Made me think of the heydays when flashing lights would have made this piece ultimately sexy. hahahah. Never meant to see the light of day undies. I saw one that I wanted to throw away already. Promising myself I would never be that err voluptuous hahahaha. Thing was - I think I will be needing a big chunk of my next pay devoted to undies. Thinking this though I ask why? Why it took me too long to realize that I was short of decent undies. Or why I should care that I should have ones that one can actually matter - well you know what i mean. Not that my present collection was of consequence. There were some nice ones. But I still have this wracking feeling that I should have more or that I need more. Wanted more. Thats where it kinda is funny. I recently got out of the shackles and is starting to fend for myself again. Shackles - some term. I know i shouldnt use it coz its not really apt. Real terms is I am trying to undo what I feel is like what i need most. Least damage done for something that was burning inside of me already. I often asked myself - How does one not hurt the ones you truly love. The song there is no easy way to say goodbye says it all. But either way.  Relationships are never easy. And If I would have it may way - I could sort my zillion boxers and undies in the most intricate way or even solve the higher level six sigma puzzles that could be thrown at me and relationships would still be infinitely more complicated. Not like undies. Simpler. Undies though always gives out messages. And not really the erotic type. Just a state of mind.
                 
Have lots of messy, old and comfy one and for sure you are in a relationship and its kinda lasted a bit already. Like an old shoe. Have designer ones and there is probably a reason for it all and likely not vanity. Now have a set of new ones with lots of old ones in your drawer and I would have guess that you have just broken up and on the rebound or more apt term - prowl. Not that I have seen many but it does seem to be the trend. You dont see less than savory undies from the playful. Nor do you see lots of pretty ones from the looooooooooooooong engaged or married. So if you are married and your wifey suddenly starts buying pretty ones. Id be surprised. Husbands are likely to be worse i would think. Men dont think of clothes too much. Now have one out of relationship and yes it becomes significant - in one and you just dropped a notch on the interest range. Each year of servitude err loyal loving coupling would mean another notch down that after five six or seven years. You find yourself in dumpy outfits and worse for undies.
                 
So now - I got myself this Brief Philosophy. While you cant really check undies NORMALLY anyways. If the opportunity comes your way. POP your eyes out - this one is so.. this one is so. This one is playing you as the undies indicate. HAHAHAH. Here is a challenge though - how would you rate one with nice ones - fresh from relationship? or player? hmmm how to tell. One can never tell but hey. I am just reading from undies. I am not reading tea leaves.

discovering humanity

There is reason beyond the all this despair and there is a a silver lining somewhere in all these dark clouds.
But i dont know where and maybe i have missed it but I dont see it now.
Once upon a time I was so sure of all that I wanted done and all that I need to do.
And I have the strength to do it and the conviction that I am right.
But now I do not  know.
I had been once accused of being strong and willful.
No one ever got to think that I wouldn’t want to be that strong all the time.
Or be the person everyone thinks of me all the time either.
Before I was asked. Do you always have an opinion.
I said no. Only on those that mattered. 
Retreat Retreat Retreat……… That would be sweet words to me now.
Somehow I had this thought that trying to be someone,
I lost the time to be me. There might have been time then but now there is none.
Again my famous words I dont know…..
The words from… I cant go on and so I go on is so befitting.
ahhhhh……
I am not that evolved after all…….emotions…….